It feels good to cry, right? Well, not necessarily. It actually depends a lot on the way your tearful expressions are met by others.
Crying is the universal language of emotional overwhelm. Be it sadness or joy, there’s no hiding once the tears start to flow. It’s an evolutionary gift that gives a clear signal that we need help – and humans are generally wired to help those in need.
So why do women cry as much as five times as often as men? It’s partly hormonal, as testosterone works to dampen emotional responses, and women also have shallower tear ducts (meaning their eyes well up faster) but it’s also sociological.
Research is fairly conclusive in showing that crying is only truly beneficial for us when our tears are met with kindness. That’s not to say crying alone isn’t helpful, but the true benefit comes when our outpouring of emotion is met with a positive response. The same research pretty conclusively shows that an unhelpful response to our tears can actually cause us to feel worse afterwards.
Male tears have been shamed for eons – and though attitudes to male emotions are slowly starting to shift, the general consensus is still that it’s not okay for a man to cry. Before the age of 11 there is no real difference between the sexes when it comes to our crying levels – it’s only after 11 that the gap begins to emerge. Yes, this is the time puberty kicks in and the testosterone bounce that comes with it, but it’s also the time the male peer group culture begins to shame tears as weak or feminine.
If we teach boys that they shouldn’t cry, they begin to learn how to suppress those feelings. They begin to associate crying with a feeling of shame; that they are failing somehow as a man – and then they project those feelings out on to the other boys around them. Each boy begins to police the emotional responses of the other boys – and any boy who does cry has an unhelpful response to his tears. This means he feels worst after crying, and he will, in turn, begin to associate crying with feeling worse.
Lesson learned, his tears are permanently suppressed – in some cases forever.
I’ve asked thousands of men and boys the same question over the years: how would you feel if you cried at work/school in front of your colleagues/classmates. Almost always the answer is ’embarrassed’. That’s also a learned behaviour. We’re not born with an innate feeling of shame around our emotions, it’s a part of the heavily gendered messaging we receive as a kid. In those circumstances, it feels better for us to push our sadness down back in to our body, rather than dare to release it and risk the wrath of the ruthless banter men around us.
Sitting with clients as they unlearn this behaviour is one of the most powerful and privileged experiences I’ll ever have as a therapist. I get to watch as they battle to release the decades of emotional build-up – and then witness the palpable relief they feel when it’s clear their tears are more than welcome. Almost to a man they speak of their regret at having not done so sooner.
Some men find it extremely difficult to speak about their emotions – even more struggle to show their pain through tears. The more we normalise this beautiful act of vulnerability, the more we will free men and boys to be the fullest version of themselves. Crying is just the start.